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| Sunflowers by the AgriCenter in Memphis |
Many of you know, some of you don’t, that I euthanized my
dog of ten years on August 14, 2019. It was so sudden, but I know I made the
right decision. Delilah was fine when I got home from work at 5:00pm and by
9:00pm my friend and I took her to the Emergency Room at my work and by 11:00pm
Delilah was gone. She had an actively bleeding mass on her liver and could not
be stabilized without a blood transfusion and even with the blood transfusion,
she might not have made the night. Necropsy, or autopsy, said she had hemangiosarcoma
that had metastasized to her spleen and heart
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| One of the last pictures I have of Delilah |
I’m telling you all of this because I myself am still coming
to terms with what happened. Being in the veterinary field, it was a case of
knowing too much. I have seen dog with hemangiosarcoma after their owners go to
the extremes. I applaud these owners because they have the determination to
move forward. But I have seen the surgery required, seen the after-surgery
chemotherapy side effects, and still, the patient is not guaranteed longer than
nine months despite the best efforts from the best of the best. I have not
doubt in the Oncology service at Auburn Vet School, and I told Delilah that. I have
seen the miracles they can do, but I didn’t want to put her through that. She was
eleven and I didn’t want to see her progress, well, more likes digress. I went
to work the day after I euthanized Delilah. I didn’t cry until I laid down in
bed, at midnight, and I didn’t stop until 2:00am. When I woke up, I got ready
for work, made breakfast and coffee, tried to understand that I didn’t have a
dog to walk or feed, then went to work.
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| Delilah's urn and flowers from family and friends |
When people ask who I’m doing it habit for me to say good and
as how they are doing. But truthfully, I’m doing okay. According to the
dictionary, the definition of “okay” or “OK” is “satisfactory but not
exceptionally or especially good.” And that’s how I feel. Not bad but not good.
It’s been exactly a month today since I euthanized Delilah. I don’t say I euthanized Delilah because I was the
one to give the solution, but I made the decision to so therefore I did this. I
know it’s not my fault but that voice in my head still likes to be mean. Having
a history of depression and currently having anxiety definitely have helped
this situation (that’s sarcasm for those of you who don’t know my second language).
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| Delilah was a basic white girl when it came to Starbucks |
So, with all of that being said, I’m going to be honest and
say that there are good days and bad days. We all have them.
We all have those days where it’s like everything is going
up and the sun is shining. Pieces fall into place, the birds sing, the
drive-thru gets your order right, and you get an amazing parking spot at work.
We want these days to last forever and sometimes, it seems like they do.
We all have those days where it’s like everything is going downhill
and there’s no stopping it. Sometimes, we’re too tired or used to it that we
don’t want to do anything about it. And so, we let ourselves get deeper and
deeper in the darkness. We don’t want these days to last forever, but
sometimes, they do.
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| Sunset at Navaree Beach |
But you know something I realized after a rather hard night of
that voice in my head telling me horrible things all night? I was walking to my
truck, telling myself that I had to go to work, arguing that it’s okay to take
a mental health day but that I needed to see my friends at work because they
brighten my mood. And a simple saying crossed my thoughts, “Find a moment, every
day, that makes your day.”
You see, it is up to us to find those moments that make our
days brighter. It could be something huge, like a promotion at work. It could
be something tiny like finding a dollar you didn’t know you had in your wallet.
For me, that morning, it was the sunrise (I’m a sucker for a good sunrise or
sunset) and knowing I had friends at work who would make me laugh. I don’t have
to tell them I’m having a hard day, they know it’s going to take time for me to
heal, but that doesn’t stop them from making jokes and laughing at mine no
matter how corny they are.
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| Delilah loved walking Downtown, as long as there were popsicles |
I want to encourage
you all to find a moment today, or many moments, that make your day. If you
need help, look in the mirror and SEE that you are alive. Sometimes you many
not feel alive but seeing is believing. I don’t like looking in mirrors. When I
took yoga, I would go the whole class without looking in the mirrors all around
the room, something I think takes skill because you have to have focus on a
spot to keep balanced in yoga. But when I wake up after a hard night of sleeping
in a bed that’s had a dog in it for the past ten years, I look in the mirror and
remind myself that I am alive, and I am where I need to be in this moment.
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| She loved napping while I drove |
There are still times when I dread going home because I know
Delilah won’t be there. I still have to stop myself from reaching over to pet
her when I stop at a stoplight. I can’t go to Starbucks because I won’t be
getting her a puppuccino. Her collar and leash still hang on the coat rack, her
empty bowls are still at the end of the counter, her food is still in the
cabinet. Her bed is still by the window and her blanket is still on my bed. I
have to remind myself that she’s here, but not here. And that’s okay.
I hope this video works.
But I find a moment, every day, that makes my day whether it
be one moment that I hold onto all day, or tiny moments throughout the day that
keep me going. We have to take care of ourselves. We have to give ourselves
TIME (read as LOVE). It is okay to not be okay and I am realizing this. With my
friends, my family, and God at my side, I know I’ll be better than okay, but it
doesn’t have to be now.
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